Friday 13 April 2007

Dedication to those gone before us

This last week has seen the passing of two extraordinary women in my partner's family. I feel lucky and honoured that I had the chance to meet both of them before they moved on to the next realm. Both lived through social upheaval, political revolution, loss of children... Things that many of us will hopefully never have to experience.

This has also made me think of my own grandparents who all passed on, within a year of each other, just over seven years ago. Although their lives were lived in totally different countries with vastly different cultures to that of my partner's grandparents, they too lived through some very tough times and were all amazing people with fascinating life stories. Although it has been seven years, I still miss them as much as I did the day they passed. And in many ways, they are still as much a part of my life now as they were when they were alive. It's just the method of communication changes slightly.

I believe that death isn't the end of it all. I don't know what happens or where people go but I do know that they go on to somewhere else. Hopefully somewhere better. I guess we'll know for sure once we get there.

The most important point for me is that I think that everyone has an interesting story to tell of their life and that we should give more credence to the voice of our elders. Once they are gone, we lose a vastly rich wealth of knowledge, experience and wisdom. Also, cherish everyone you have whilst they are still living and try not to let the daily irritations get in the way of appreciating each other.

You'll never know the true finality of death until it's too late.

Saturday 7 April 2007

There goes my moment...

It's my last night in Adelaide. My other half flew out to Sydney, transferring to Taipei this morning at 6.30 and I feel like someone has ripped my heart out.

You'd think, after 12 months of living in different countries that I would be pretty good with this whole goodbye thing. In actual fact I wonder if it's just getting harder. I've spent most of today in a bit of a mist, just waiting for tomorrow to come so I can go home and get back to the distraction of day to day reality. But time is finally dragging it's feet. Right when I really don't want it to.

You see, wherever he is feels like home. For a while, FTA felt like home. The overly soft single bed, the sparse bedroom, the dusty dry air. But now that he's gone, it feels like nothing. All of the spirit has been sucked out of it and all I'm left with is the absence, the feeling of loss. He's gone, he's not coming back and I have no idea when I am going to see him again. I know it could be a lot worse and I have little to complain about compared to some people but right now it feels awful. He's my home, my safe place and my light. Anywhere where he isn't just can't really compare to where he is. It's times like these when you realise the true meaning of "I can't live without him".

I know that once I get back to Auckland and life kicks back in that I'll feel better. But right now, sat at an empty desk under the unfriendly glare of the standard issue neon study lamp, perspective on things is a little hard to maintain. All I want is my moment back.

Sunday 1 April 2007

Hanging on to a moment...

It's my 6th day of my third and final tour of Adelaide, visiting my beloved other half. In four days he graduates from FTA (Flight Training Adelaide) as a certified pilot, with all sorts of licenses and ratings that I am barely qualified to write about! I'm immensely proud, as any good girlfriend should be, and a little overwhelmed that he has achieved so much in so little time. Not that I for a moment thought that he couldn't but I have just realised (having read his reports and paperwork) HOW much he has learnt. None of which I understand at all!

So here I am, with the person I adore most in the whole world, wondering how on earth I savour every last minute available to me with him. You see, I have no idea when I will see him again. It could be June, it could be September. And September is an awfully long way away. Despite time going really fast.

It feels like I can't tell him enough, can't let him understand fully enough how much I absolutely adore him. I can't let him know how emotionally desolate I would be without him. He means so much to me that I can't explain it. Which annoys me as usually I am quite good at expressing things!!

I feel like I'm scrabbling in the dirt trying to hang on to every last moment, desperate to try and hold on to time. But it keeps getting away from me and I don't know what to do about it. How many times can you say I love you? How many times are enough? When does it start getting old? Are those three words enough? I'll agree with Snow Patrol on this one that they sure aren't. Not for me, not in this situation, not to explain how I truly feel.

I guess the heart will never be able to fully articulate itself with words.