Change

You don't quite notice it until you have to climb out of it, but occasionally you get into a rut in life. Maybe "rut" is too harsh a judgement on it. Maybe calling it a "groove" is better. Currently I am in a groove. A nice, comfortable groove. One that fits and feels secure. One where no nasty surprises lurk and no major challenges can find me.

I am about to be thrown out of this groove in royal fashion this year. It's already started. I resigned from my job today. A job I have been in for five years, since I was 21 years old. A job I created (I was the first person to do it so I essentially made it what it is) and a job I love. A secure job, well-paid. And I just resigned and am throwing myself out into the wilderness of a climate of economic uncertainty. Doesn't sound like a smart move I know. But, I know deep down that I was never going to stay in this job forever and I had to leave before I started to become grouchy and intolerant of it (as you can do in certain roles after a certain period of time). And I'll be frank. I needed a really good reason to leave otherwise I would have just stayed. 

Then I'm getting married. Which is awesome and I can't wait for.

Then, of course, comes the major shift to live overseas for the overseas experience section of my life. With a totally different language and culture. Well that's subject enough for a blog by itself. In fact I'm thinking of blogging my way through my first forty days of Taiwan. Track how I feel, challenge myself to be honest and write something every day even if it's just a few lines. It's like travel writing crossed with emotional journey stuff. The finding of the inner self. Or something. We'll see. 

And it's not just me. My good friend McNerdy (check out his blog here: Scarfie Med Student) is launching himself out of his comfy groove also and is off to Med School. Five more years after already doing 6 years at uni. Madness or the brave pursuit of a long held dream? I vote the latter with an inevitable pinch of the former to spice things up a bit. 

These are indeed interesting times, globally and personally. I do like how my major sea change is going to be set against the back drop of one of the most important and pivotal years history has seen for quite some time. It's almost poetic. Or coincidence. Either way it's neat. 

Here's to change: the good, the bad and the ugly of it. May we come out the other side better people, all of us. 

Unashamedly JAFA

I was stuck in traffic on the Southern Motorway this afternoon on my way back from Parnell when I was suddenly struck with how much I love Auckland. Which, I admit, is not the first place you expect to be when caught by this kind of realisation, but there I was, on an on-ramp, waiting behind about 50 other cars for the ramp signal to turn green for me. It obviously helped that it was one of those stunningly flawless Kiwi summer days where the sky is startling blue and the sun is searingly hot even through the windscreen. Undeniably, on days like this Auckland is at her best.

It's funny how much you take for granted when you get used to a place. It's really struck me this time upon my most recent return from overseas exactly how bloody lucky us Kiwis are to live in this country. There are a stack of awesome countries out there but on the beauty front, I think good ol' Noo Zulland has it. I was on the MOTORWAY for the love of God. Possibly the least attractive place in all of Auckland, or even the whole country... but still gorgeous.

Those of you who live in this mighty city and those who live in the rest of NZ - I strongly encourage you, next time you are out and about to look again. See it like you're seeing it for the first time. If you can't do this, you need to get out of the country to come back and truly appreciate it. Those of you who don't live here - come and see it for yourself. If the motorway in the biggest city looks this good - imagine the rest. 

The day they chose hope over fear: 20-01-09

Barack Obama courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

Surely Barack Hussein Obama has one of the least likely names for a United States president. His middle name, Hussein, is the last name of the much-loathed dictator of Iraq whom American forces deposed. His last name rhymes with the still hunted Osama who was supposed to be behind the 9/11 attacks. These two names are inextricably linked to some of America's darkest moments in recent history. Yet isn't it wonderfully symbolic that the man with an unlikely name and of unlikely origin stood before us and promised to lead the way out of these dark days and into the light of a hopeful future. The man "whose father less than sixty years ago might not have been served in a local restaurant." The man who is half Kenyan, half white, 100% American. The man upon whose shoulders rest not only the hopes of a nation but the entire world.

Watching his speech this morning on the TVNZ website (slept through the live coverage, oops) I was compelled to make notes. It's one of he most quotable speeches I have heard in a very long time. It mixed the exact amount of patriotism with the right amount of progressive thinking and had wisdom and inspiration sprinkled liberally on top. I'm not American, but I'll tell you something for free - I was inspired and moved by this speech. 

So much of the speech resonated for me personally. The two main quotes I noted were:

"To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are the wrong side of history; but we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist."

"...also it is a parent's willingness to nurture a child that finally decides our fate."

These have been dark days. Not only for the USA but for other countries around the world. Wars have ripped countries, lands, villages and families asunder. Poverty has struck at the very heart of even the most wealthy nation in this world. Natural disasters have brought so many areas of the world to their knees. This is not the first time nor will it be the last that a series of bad things have happened in a certain period of history, but I firmly believe that the interpretation of these events is seen through the lens of the morale of the people. 

The morales of the people of America have surely taken a severe beating over the last eight years. Has global opinions of the American people ever been so low? And to be honest, this bad rep wasn't entirely fair for most of them. The Americans the rest of us in the world were actually beating up on were Bush, Cheney and that crew. And anyone insane enough to vote for them a second time. The slump in the world's shoulders when 'four more years' was announced was clearly visible. Thank God and reason and faith that enough voters got smart this time around. 

Obama is the ray of hope that was needed. And perhaps, just perhaps, America needed to hit the rock bottom of the last four years to truly appreciate the genius that I believe Obama will display in his leadership. Maybe it was the walk through the Valley of the Shadow of George. Whatever it has been, it is thankfully over. Bush left the office with an approval rating of 22%. Only one in five people actually thought he'd done a good job. Ouch. Doesn't look like he'll be on the Inspirational Speakers Circuit unless he's touting "How not to be a President." It'll be interesting to see where he winds up. 

No matter. The past is gone, hustled out by the fizzing buzz of pure anticipation of today's inauguration. Their work is cut out for them but with Obama at the helm, Americans are finally able to start the task of picking themselves up, dusting themselves off and looking towards the horizon of their new future. I congratulate you, America. You've picked a star. 

Resolutions - you make 'em to break 'em

Well, some people do. Surely. I hear all sorts of crazed plans for the year, the likes of which I have heard in several years preceding, which have never made it to fruition. Usually those poor saps making these wild plans end up despondent by mid-Feb and start to resent the new year before it's really had a chance to prove itself.

I've been there. Many times. 

"I'm going to drop 2 sizes this year!!"

"I'm going to be completely tidy this year!"

"I'm going to get an A+ average!"

And many other things that never seem to happen if I promise them at the beginning of the year.

I find I am far more likely to achieve something like that if I begin at some obscure and non-eventful time of the year, like Mid-September for example. Or if I don't make a weighty claim that places a huge expectation on my shoulders. Letting yourself down is the worst kind of failure as you really, at the end of the day, can't kid yourself or offer any of the half-cut excuses you can try and get away with to others. Start with a realistic goal and expand from there as and when success comes your way.

So upon reflection of what this year is likely to contain for me (massive change, a fair amount of stress, crises of identity etc) I figured that the best resolution that I could make for 2009 would be to be kind to myself. To roll with the punches and not sweat the small stuff. To enjoy the experience of this year as much as possible but to know when to sit quietly in a room with nothing but my iPod and a mug of tea. 

This is the resolution I have made for 2009. This has got to be the most humane resolution I have ever made and then again the most important one yet. Being kind to yourself is not technically difficult but can be hard to achieve for certain personality types (mine included)  - the types of personality who are constantly hounded by the "Should Monster". The Should Monster is a hairy, loud bastard of a monster who bullies its targets into feeling bad for all of the things that they haven't done and inflicts amnesia upon them about the things that they HAVE achieved. It's a mean and insidious S.O.B. 

But no more! This year I am banishing the Should Monster back to its cave. It's time for a new type of resolution and a new approach to a new year. I can't do absolutely everything and I am not Super Woman. But you know what? That's O.K. with me. 

A book never smelled so good...

Perfume: The story of a murderer by Patrick Suskind was published in 1985, originally in German. It is quite unlike any other novel I have read in recent memory, and is considered by some to be a 'modern classic'. It was recommended to me a couple of years ago by a good friend of mine, and so once this academic year finished and I went on my end of semester book binge I made sure that this book was among those I acquired. 

Grenouille, the protagonist of this novel, was born into the most rancid and unwelcoming of environments - under the table of a fish gutting stall in the middle of 18th century Paris. His mother, not viewing him, her fifth unplanned pregnancy, as a "real child", simply birthed him and then got back up to get on with her life leaving him for dead amongst the fish offal and blood on the ground. Unlike her previous four children, however, Grenouille refuses to die in such undignified circumstances. 

He has no personal odour to speak of, yet has an unsurpassed sense of smell. In fact, smell is the only thing that exists for him. Although one might be tempted to sympathise with a baby born into such unfortunate circumstances to such a callous mother, it is soon abundantly clear that Grenouille is only out for himself and his own gains. He does not care for the company of others and in fact actively avoids it, going to extreme lengths to do so at one stage. The only thing he is interested in getting from  human society is a certain smell... the delicate fragrance of a virgin girl. 

I find this novel an interesting blend of the historical novel and a character study. Grenouille is a truly fascinating character, one who inspires only fear and repulsion from the reader - or me at least! I'd be interested to know if anyone who has read this novel feels any sympathy for this guy. He's sub-human, and yet super-human. He lacks a souls, but possesses an amazing gift. There is literally nothing to like about him, although I guess one could wonder at and perhaps admire his determination and will to survive. 

One thing I have noticed since reading this book is that it has deepened my appreciation for my sense of smell.  Suddenly I have started taking note of things that I had previously not given a second thought. It's opened my nose - something a book has never done before!! Opened minds, yes. Opened eyes to unknown things, yes. My nose? This is a first! 

A book never smelled so good!

The Book and the Brotherhood

One of life's great delights is, for me, a good book. I hope to goodness that I never lose the joy in opening a new unread book - the smell of the pages, the feel of the paper, the look of the cover and most of all that delicious anticipation of stories and voices as yet untold and unheard...

At the moment I am nearing the end of my first "non-compulsory" read after the academic year officially ended in November. I've been reading Iris Murdoch's The Book and the Brotherhood. It was published in 1987, one of her later books although not her last. It was shortlisted for the 1987 Booker Prize, won by Penelope Lively for her novel Moon Tiger. It is, according to Wikipedia, considered to be her best novel. I can't really argue with that - I'm thoroughly enjoying it.

Personally I prefer to read something a bit more challenging. I love having a solid piece of literature to chew on rather than something lighter, fluffier, forgettable. It's the difference between a piece of good quality whole grain bread and a sandwich slice of cheap white bread. It's just more satisfying and fills you up for longer. Occasionally, of course, you just fancy a slice of something lighter. And of course, some people are white bread fans. Nothing wrong with that at all, I'm just expressing personal preference - so long as people are reading at all, the world is going to be OK.

Photo credit: NNDB Tracking the entire world

Given that I'm only on page 445 of 600, I'm hardly in a position to be giving any account of this book as yet. I can, however, express that this is indeed a fantastic book. It is of the wholegrain variety - those who don't enjoy chewing might not thank me for recommending this kind of book to them - and even I'm finding that it is taking a good amount of time to complete. Normally I can rip through a book at a cracking pace but this one has slowed me down. It's not overly dense or hard going (although a knowlegde of philosophy, ancient history and literature will surely serve you well), I think it's more a function of the detailed characterisation and scene setting. You can't skip anything - every word adds value.

A few things I have noticed about Iris Murdoch's writing is that she is a Master of juggling a large number of characters on the pages - the lives and exploits of whom interweave into a fine web of intrigue which forms the basis for her plot. There seems to be a good vs evil structure, although the good is not entirely 'good' and the evil normally has some redeemable qualities. The two rivals in TBATB seems to be Duncan Cambus and David Crimond (sharing the same initials - surely intentional) with Duncan in the corner for Good and Crimond in the corner for Evil. At present there is a build up to what I imagine will be a final showdown between them both, which, gven their history, is likely to be explosive and have some dire consequences for one or the other.

In any case. I shall continue reading and post some more comment when I have finished.

Where were you when...?

History is not just the stuff that is recorded in dusty old tomes in the backs of university libraries, it's the stuff that is happening, day to day, around us in the world we live in. I've only been alive for 26 years and so far several historic things have happened in my lifetime that my grandkids will know about.

"Wow, Granny, you mean you saw the Towers collapse on the news?!"

I got to thinking about this the other day and thought it might be worth thinking about all of the historic events that have happened so far in my lifetime. Especially seeing as thought we are in the wake of the ground-breaking event that is the election of Barack Obama.

Off the top of my head, these are the things that I can remember that have happened in my lifetime:

Gulf war (1990-91)
Beginning of the Bosnian War (1992-95)
Death of Princess Diana (1997)
The Asian Financial Crisis (1997)
Turn of the new millennium (do I really need to put in a date here??!)
9/11 (2001)
The declaration of the Iraq war by George W. Bush (2002)
The Boxing Day Tsunami (2004)
Hurricane Katrina (2005)
Capture and execution of Suddam Hussein (2006)
Election of first African-American president in USA (2008)

Interesting how most of them are "bad news" events. At least the most recent is a nice "good news" event.

I guess here I have focused on global events, not just stuff that's significant to NZ... Those are the ones I can think of just for now. Anyone else think of any others I have missed?

New government in NZ

Photo source: http://www.nzhistory.net.nz/media/photo/polling-booth.

So National won the election and today Prime Minister Elect, John Key, announced his new Cabinet. It's not the way I wanted the election to go, but the voice of the people has spoken and this is reality for the next three years so I guess I will have to put up with it.

On the "voice of the people" - I have to just make one comment. Voting for a party based purely on the fact that you fancy a change and you're bored with the current government who has done nothing drastically wrong in the last nine years or because you don't like Helen Clark for purely superficial or personal reasons is NOT a good enough reason to vote her out of office. But ah the joys of democracy when even the least well thought out and impulsive voice is heard alongside the others at equal volume.

Perhaps we were swept up in the excitement and calls for change in the American election which was only three days before our election. Perhaps the calls for change spilled over into our psyche and "change" for change's sake seemed like a good idea? Who knows - it would be interesting to see if you could quantify the effect that had on our election outcome. It's hardly the same though is it - changing from Bush to Obama is barely comparable to our situation. Helen Clark was a thoroughly competent and intelligent leader. One who kept us out of Iraq, one whose party has improved the welfare state, abolished interest on student loans, set up KiwiSaver and KiwiBank. I take my hat off to her.

I have no problem really with the direction of people's vote - so long as they make and intelligent and well-informed vote. Not one that goes something along the lines of "I think Helen Clark looks like a man so I'm voting National". In a world where not everyone gets to have their voice heard, it's important, I think, that we take this kind of thing seriously. Especially when electing a bad government can have such a devastating and lasting effect on the country.

I wish John Key and his new government all the best and hope that he can keep up the good work and build on the solid foundations that Labour has put in place. I also wish that some people would be a touch more thoughtful and mature with their vote, but like I said earlier - such are the pitfalls of democracy - there's no accounting for the 'idiot vote'.

Impending marriage and other fun things...

I'm getting married in a few months.

Wow.

Even looking at that, black and white, typed on the page is a little bit unreal. Don't get me wrong, I am really excited about being married to my future hubby. It's not the being married to him that is strange and unreal to me. It's the fact that I'm 'here' already. I've looked forward to it for so long that it hardly seems that it can be true that it's so close now.

It's going to be a huge change for me, mentally. Although I already feel a part of my in-laws family, this is the sealing of the deal. The changing of my last name will be a good symbolic step I think. The leaving behind of past hurts and moving forward with a new identity (almost) into my future. It's a necessary and much welcomed step but there's still that tiny tug of apprehension that you always feel when you place your heart, trust and destiny in the hands of another. Having grown up in a situation where I couldn't trust those around me with the above mentioned things, I find it really difficult to let go and trust someone else completely.

I want to. I just need to let myself do it.

Phantom, Research Day Out and Thesis...

I went to see the Phantom of the opera last night - something I had wanted to do for years and years and years. Literally. I love the music, I love the drama and culture surrounding an international stage performance... it's an energy that makes me feel more fully alive. Like I'm experiencing something worthwhile, something which will be noted in the memory banks as a Night To Remember for years to come. It was an incredibly fulfilling experience... and also part of a "self care" thing I'm working on. After years of hearing the words "No" and "Can't" it's hard to switch yourself into "Yes" and "Can" mode.

And now for something completely different... We had a Research Day Out at work today. Normally, work doesn't figure much on my blog, not because I don't like it - I do - I love it in fact. However I guess it's not really what I want to be rambling on about in my spare time. But today was different - 12 different grad students from both Massey and Waikato came together to present on their Masters/PhD research and the result was nothing short of stunning. From work engagement in aid organisations, to androgen's effect on adult gender identities, to homelessness, to emergency management, to the lived experiences of heavy metal fans, to resilience in migrant communities... we really had it all. THIS was the answer to the question I get asked so very often in my job: "What can I do with Psychology?" The answer, obviously, is just about anything you like!

The thing that really captured my attention and imagination though was one section of Darrin Hodgett's presentation which spoke about the homelessness project which he's involved in with Kerry Chamberlain from Massey. They found that a key space that homeless people engage with other in is the public library - here they have a place to be where they can read, engage with others, research things that interest them and get off the streets for a while. This really caught me as I too absolutely love public libraries. Just going ito one has an incredibly calming effect on me - a function of me being a total literophile I'm sure - something I have found from an early age. Nothing, but nothing will make me quite as happy in quite the same way as putting me amongst a bunch of books. And to find that others could also garner similar feelings from libraries was interesting - although no doubt the element of social engagement is more pertinent to those who are homeless. I also loved how this smashed any stereotype that may hang around about homeless people all being uneducated bums.

Speaking of education - the continuing of mine is rolling along nicely. I had some email correspondence with the person I have wanted to be my thesis supervisor since undergrad days about my ideas for my upcoming MA thesis. I'm thinking something in the area of post 9/11 literature and the domestic, I think. I'm just going to read as widely as I can at this stage and roll out from there. It's very exciting. Of anyone happens to be reading this and knows of something (anything) related to post 9/11 literature, please let me know. Cheers!